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Cyclops: Cyclops is running for president
Nov 28, 2013 | 632 views | 0 0 comments | 11 11 recommendations | email to a friend | print



By BRYAN GRAY


The opinions stated in this column are solely those of the author and not of the Davis Clipper. 

 

With speculation about the 2016 presidential election already buzzing, I decided to throw my name in the hat. It’s never too early to get the pundits talking. (I could have sought John Swallow’s position, but the presidency pays a lot more). 

I will run on strong leadership and a refusal to duck the hard issues. I can already imagine my first press conference:

PRESS: We understand you have strong feelings on telecommunication.

CYCLOPS: Yes. As president my first official act would be to ban the use of all business telephone computerized answering devices. It’s an American’s God-given right to speak to a real person. Give us liberty or give me death Р and give me a human voice, not a silly computer.

PRESS: But that’s beyond your powers as president.

CYCLOPS: In that case, I won’t ban them. But I’ll punish any business owner who uses the annoying system. I’ll order jail time Р or make them watch a PBS fund-raising special. 

PRESS: Very funny. Now do you have a position on the controversy over genetically-altered food?

CYCLOPS: Honestly, the only food-related part of my platform is my vow to ban the fruit cake. 

PRESS: The fruit cake?

CYCLOPS: Yes. They are a culinary abomination. The fruit cake should have been banned years ago.

PRESS: You are the only candidate to take this stand.

CYCLOPS: And I’m probably the only candidate willing to force teenagers to wear their baseball caps the right way. On Inauguration Day I will immediately demand that caps be worn with the visor pointing to the front. None of this sideways or backwards gangsta-rap stuff during my administration. 

PRESS: And what if young people refuse?

CYCLOPS: I’d sign an executive order making them listen to a Johnny Mathis record or read “The Great Gatsby”. A strong penalty can solve the baseball hate issue within days. 

PRESS: Have you considered a running mate?

CYCLOPS: Right now I’m leaning toward a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. I promise I won’t let down my male voters, but whomever I end up choosing, it won’t be Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, or Alec Baldwin.

PRESS: What is your stand on taxes? 

CYCLOPS: Oh, I’d impose a new one Р on romance fiction. Here we are trying to promote literacy and critical thinking and some silly woman in Baton Rouge uses 14 pen names and knocks out 35 books in a year about molten lips and quivering thighs. Honestly, I’d put Danielle Steel under house arrest.

PRESS: Banning romance novels could result in losing some of the female vote.

CYCLOPS: Nope, I’d also ban colic, diaper rash, and vacuuming. The mom vote would be all mine. 

Think my seeking the presidency is far-fetched? Considering some of the nitwits who have run in the past, don’t count me out. 

 

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