By BRYAN GRAY
The opinions stated in this column are solely those of the author and not of the Davis Clipper.
With speculation about the 2016 presidential election already buzzing, I decided to throw my name in the hat. It’s never too early to get the pundits talking. (I could have sought John Swallow’s position, but the presidency pays a lot more).
I will run on strong leadership and a refusal to duck the hard issues. I can already imagine my first press conference:
PRESS: We understand you have strong feelings on telecommunication.
CYCLOPS: Yes. As president my first official act would be to ban the use of all business telephone computerized answering devices. It’s an American’s God-given right to speak to a real person. Give us liberty or give me death Р and give me a human voice, not a silly computer.
PRESS: But that’s beyond your powers as president.
CYCLOPS: In that case, I won’t ban them. But I’ll punish any business owner who uses the annoying system. I’ll order jail time Р or make them watch a PBS fund-raising special.
PRESS: Very funny. Now do you have a position on the controversy over genetically-altered food?
CYCLOPS: Honestly, the only food-related part of my platform is my vow to ban the fruit cake.
PRESS: The fruit cake?
CYCLOPS: Yes. They are a culinary abomination. The fruit cake should have been banned years ago.
PRESS: You are the only candidate to take this stand.
CYCLOPS: And I’m probably the only candidate willing to force teenagers to wear their baseball caps the right way. On Inauguration Day I will immediately demand that caps be worn with the visor pointing to the front. None of this sideways or backwards gangsta-rap stuff during my administration.
PRESS: And what if young people refuse?
CYCLOPS: I’d sign an executive order making them listen to a Johnny Mathis record or read “The Great Gatsby”. A strong penalty can solve the baseball hate issue within days.
PRESS: Have you considered a running mate?
CYCLOPS: Right now I’m leaning toward a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. I promise I won’t let down my male voters, but whomever I end up choosing, it won’t be Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, or Alec Baldwin.
PRESS: What is your stand on taxes?
CYCLOPS: Oh, I’d impose a new one Р on romance fiction. Here we are trying to promote literacy and critical thinking and some silly woman in Baton Rouge uses 14 pen names and knocks out 35 books in a year about molten lips and quivering thighs. Honestly, I’d put Danielle Steel under house arrest.
PRESS: Banning romance novels could result in losing some of the female vote.
CYCLOPS: Nope, I’d also ban colic, diaper rash, and vacuuming. The mom vote would be all mine.
Think my seeking the presidency is far-fetched? Considering some of the nitwits who have run in the past, don’t count me out.