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CYCLOPS: Eating healthy is impossible
by Bryan Gray
Nov 19, 2011 | 699 views | 0 0 comments | 6 6 recommendations | email to a friend | print
My nutritional expert was pointing out the need to change my ways.

“You’re not in the danger level for obesity,” she said, “but considering how people are packing on more weight, I’d suggest you cut out olive oil on your salad.”

“But I thought olive oil was good for you, gobbling up bad cholesterol,” I said.

“It does, but it’s also high in calories. Instead of olive oil, you might increase your intake of garlic, a lower cholesterol herb.”

“Great,” I responded. “I love garlic bread.”

“Oh no,” she said. “Garlic bread is not healthy, and it’s associated with pizza which is loaded with calories.”

“But that’s the problem with these healthy diets. Whenever I find a food that is good for part of my body, some crazy researcher discovers that it detracts from something else. You can’t win at this healthy nutrition game unless you eat corn muffins 10 times a day.”

“Oh, not corn muffins. The average corn muffin has five fat grams, more than an English muffin and jam.”

“Great. At least I will enjoy that.”

“Don’t jump the gun,” she said. “English muffins are low on fat, but contain too much sugar. Since starchy, sugary foods are difficult to clear from your mouth, they lead to dental decay – and some studies show dental decay is even linked to an increased risk of cancer or heart disease.

“You’d be better off eating a sugar-free cookie.”

“Huh? A cookie?”

“Yes, a Cornell University study found that the preservatives baked in some cookies and crackers may help prevent cancer.”

“But,” I said, “I thought preservatives were usually bad for you.”

“In most cases, they are – but when baked in cookies, they can act like carcinogen disablers, much like the cancer-fighting powers of broccoli.”

“But I don’t like broccoli!”

“Then you should drink more tea,” she said. “Tea leaves contain an antioxidant which protects DNA.”

“Alright, I’ll have a cup of hot tea tomorrow morning.”

“Oh, not hot,” she said. “You see, tea can decrease the risk of cancer – but another study found that boiling hot tea actually increases the risk of esophageal cancer.”

“Then I’ll order iced tea.”

“But a cold beverage takes away the cancer-fighting properties of tea leaves.”

“See, it’s impossible to eat your way to health. You might as well put me on the operating room table.”

“Don’t be silly. But if you ever do undergo surgery, I just read a study that says surgeons performed best when allowed to select and listen to music during surgery.”

“Well, if I ever go under the knife, I hope my surgeon doesn’t listen to Megadeth or Metallica music.”

She laughed. “You’ll be fine. Now let’s start working on our healthy behaviors.”

And she gave me a fig bar.

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